What is love for me? This is a very simple question that I have been pondering on. All the times I thought about this question, I was not able to find the best answer. Since I am not a perfect creature that God have made, I will never find the correct answer. However, I know that something which is located deep in my heart whispers me to think. I couldn't stop it, I do not have the option to reject thinking about those things.
Now I try to figure out what love is for me. To make it clear, I would rather start the ones I've loved instead of defining love directly.
When I was a baby, I loved my mother for the first time in my life. But do not get me wrong guessing I loved her just once. I still love her and my father also.
My love for her has several periods like the ones in history. Unfortunately I couldn't remember definitely how I loved her and what I did for love. So based on my childhood stories from my parents and relatives, the feelings I could remember, and my fuzzy memories, I am going to narrate it.
I always depended on my mother all day from eating to sleeping until I entered elementary school with my grandfather. I was so notorious about it that all the relatives, neighbors and even my families called me a 'Mama's boy'. I always try to keep her in my sight. Without her, I felt nervous and then cried. Maybe it's because of I was afraid of losing her even in my sight. So now I can say the first thing that I learned from my life about love.
Love is the one that I don't want to lose.
As I learned language, I was able to demand something from my love, my mother. Give me that chocholate, candy, cake, and even younger baby. If I try to enumerate those demands, I can make a bible-sized book. Most of the times she accepted my demands, but sometimes she didn't. When she refused my demands, I used to cry saying,"Why I can't have it while all of my friends have it!"
Now I am well aware that how it hurts our love ones feeling. We want to give everything for our love. But as we know sometimes we cannot make everything perfect. We can imagine the feeling when our love really wants something and we couldn't do anything for it. It really breaks our hearts. So, I could say two more things that I learned from my life about love.
Love is the one that I want to give everything.
And as a subtitle, 'Too many demands will hurt our love ones' hearts.
When I entered middle school, I had a crush on one girl. I did everything that I could to get her but I failed. Later on I thought all of those things that I have done in middle school were stupid and I was so young thinking I was not able to understand love. But I was wrong. Now I still remember my feelings from those days even though they happened 12 years ago. When we love someone, the whole universe starts to rotate on our loved one with heart fluttering. All of those feelings are my wonderful memories. So the conclusion,
every single love is valuable to me; even though it's unrequited love.
As I grew older, I began to be interested in women other than my mother. I've met several girls as lovers so far. But most of them lasted for short periods. I should have spent more time with them. I rather studied than being with those girls. Of course I spent a lot of time with them at the beginning. But as time went by, I started to go back to my work; studying as a student, comparing the values of two things. For example, do I have to attend an important lab seminar or should I be with my girlfriend for her birthday? I still don't know what the correct answer is for that but I have one standard. When I am dying in my bed and would like to go back to the past and spend more time with my wife, what is the meaning of my life?
Here is the self-evident truth for me.
Love is the one that I always want to be close. So, spend more time for love.
As I went out into the world, I went through the trials and failures. Sometimes I walked along the deep road of wandering thinking I am alone.
However, because of the dim light which has been always with me but I didn't recognize, I was able to overcome it. My mother, father, sister and some of my friends have taken care of me, and there is love.
Love is the one that I always want to take care of.
All of sudden, I realized there are "loves" other than those I love. I have hurt a lot of people who love me.
Now I don't want to lose those who loves me.
I'll do everything for them.
I want to take care of them forever.
I want to be with them as much as possible.
They give value to my life.
출처: 한기대신문 제 93호